[MISSING SCENE 1]
( After Sam tries to use the healing device but before Jack goes in to talk to Daniel, who is now covered in bandages; this is the conversation where Daniel asks him why he cares. This conversation will be reprinted in this Missing Scenes story. )
In the infirmary’s central nurses’ station, Carter sat at a desk, staring down at the healing device in her hand. She shook her head when Jack walked in.
“Why didn’t it work?” Jack snapped at Carter.
“I tried!” she spat out through tears. “It seemed to be working but then he seized and I had to back off. Don’t you think I would’ve done everything I could to make that thing work like it did for Chronos?”
“Colonel,” Fraiser said in a warning tone. “Don’t blame her.”
“I’m not, I’m not!” Jack said, throwing up his hands in a warding gesture. He stared into the open doorway that led to the observation room of Isolation Ward 4. He took a few steps and just barely saw the machines hooked up to Daniel’s bed. “I have to see him. But I don’t want to see him.”
“He’s no longer radioactive, Colonel,” Fraiser told him in an empathetic tone. “But if you touch him, it’ll hurt. He’s experiencing a great deal of pain even through the haze of valium and morphine.”
“Valium?” Jack asked.
“To calm his system so he doesn’t seize from the damage the radiation is doing to his organs. If I give him any more morphine, it will kill him.”
“He’s dying anyway,” Jack said, but the last word faded in a choking emotion. “I don’t know what to say.” He looked at them both, then at Teal’c who walked in. “The room’s under security monitors.” In other words, he couldn’t say anything personal without it getting back to the Pentagon—like everything at the SGC did. He looked at Fraiser. “Will he hear me?”
“Yes, but he’s in a state where what he may say won’t be guarded. He’s also likely to hallucinate.”
“Hallucinate? I hope the Pentagon knows that when their voyeuristic asshats watch the videos.” Jack took a deep breath and entered the ward. The moment he saw Daniel covered in bandages, he wanted to turn around and leave. He was hyperconscious of the eight cameras at strategic points near the ceiling.
“Hey. I, uh, I just wanted to . . .” He hated those cameras so much at the moment that if he’d had a gun or a zat, he’d get rid of them. He also had no goddamn idea what to say. “I’m really bad at this.”
“Yes, you are. I hear that Sam thinks the naquadria might be an important discovery.”
“Yeah, apparently. If we can get some. For what it’s worth, I tried to get your point across to Jonas.”
“He’s in a tough position.”
“You’re not gonna take the fall for this. I don’t care what’s at stake.”
“Why do you care?” Daniel blurted out. All he really wanted to hear were those three little words that meant the world. Daniel had forgotten there were cameras.
“Because, despite the fact that you’ve been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have, might have, uh, grown to admire you a little. I think.”
“Now that’s touching,” Daniel said, a hint of the old sarcastic Daniel making an appearance.
Outrage filled Jack. “This will not be your last act on official record.”
Daniel found himself in the gateroom again. He finally knew who the woman in white was. “Oma . . .”
“What?” Jack asked.
Daniel apparently drifted off as Fraiser had warned he would. Was he really seeing the glowy thing from Kheb? He looked around him. If that thing was there at the SGC, he should warn Hammond. But Jack didn’t move. His throat felt hot and tight and excess saliva filled his mouth. His eyes grew hot. There was no way he was going to break down. He couldn’t. If he had to leave the room, he would. He just couldn’t . . .
From the observation room, Jonas and Hammond appeared. Jack was taken by surprise.
Jack wanted to tell Carter and Teal’c what happened to him in the Isolation Ward. Wanted to tell them how Daniel spoke to him in the gateroom. That he disappeared in light through the ‘gate. But he couldn’t make the words happen.
He wished he’s told him he loved him. But he couldn’t make those words happen either.
Because he didn’t want to say goodbye. There had to be just one more chance to save his life. It couldn’t just end.
But it did.
They wanted a wake for Daniel. But the pain was too close. He meant more to Jack, Carter, and Teal’c than he knew. And for Jack, the pain would lessen with time, but he didn’t think he’d be able to love again. Not like that.
All he could do was honor Daniel in the only way he knew how.
By keeping a journal. And instead of Dear Diary or Dear Journal or just plain Star Date blah blah blah, he would write to Daniel.