Dear Daniel 1
Jack’s journal entries during season 6.
I’ve no freakin’ clue what to say in one of these things. I’m writing in one simply because I feel closer to you by doing it. Probably sounds stupid, doesn’t it? No one’s going to see it, but at this point, I really don’t give a rat’s ass if they do.
I can’t believe how hard this is. Why I’m surprised by this I’ll never know. I loved you. I still love you. More than ever. I miss you so damn bad. If you were to come back now, I’d hug the crap out of you, knock the crap out of you, then fuck the crap out of you. This is sad, isn’t it?
It’s been a week since you… you know, whatever. Ascended. Teal’c’s not his usual self. Seems quieter, if that’s possible. Maybe it’s just the vibes he’s giving off. I don’t know. Carter’s pissed off at me. She thinks I should be showing more grief but I think you know why I can’t.
I damn near blew it the other day. I thought I’d gotten myself together. You’d only been gone a few hours, I think. I don’t remember now. I’d gone out on the mountain, where you usually went to, you know? I did it because I had to pull myself together. Thought I did. I’m back inside, walking down the corridor and suddenly I’m seeing you in front of me, and it was that day we came back from meeting the Nox. That look you gave me… I lost it. Had to go hide in a closet. In a fucking closet. And I cried. I didn’t want to but the damn shit just wouldn’t hold back. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Carter’s still mad. If she thinks I’m going to open up to her and bare my soul, she can just fuck off and die. Okay, I say that because I’ve been drinking. Had about a quarter of this JD bottle we never opened. Don’t worry. I’m not falling into a dive like I did after Charlie. It’s just that I’ve four days off and right now, I’m tired and don’t give a damn.
I forgot. Forced myself to, I suppose.
I had to start packing up your apartment. Carter and Teal’c wanted to help. So did the others, like Fraiser and Cassie. But I wanted to do it by myself.
I couldn’t get rid of your things, Daniel. Even if you’d wanted me to, I couldn’t. Half of it is in a new storage locker and the rest is in my house. Over the last few days, I’ve spent my downtime doing that.
I never realized you had so much shit. Stuff. I meant stuff.
Back at work.
I’ve been getting these hard-ons over the last two days, as if my dick’s got a mind of its own. Weird, because for a week, I haven’t been able to get it up at all. But ever since yesterday morning, after I woke up from an amazingly erotic dream, I’d think of sex with you and that’d be that. Instant hard-on. So, I thought, what the hell. Earlier, I stripped my shorts down and grabbed my dick, trying to remember how you used to touch me, which wasn’t that difficult.
I was looking at your pictures, but for some reason, I couldn’t get that one specific feeling. So, I rooted around and found some gay porn. I’d totally forgotten that you’d stashed those CDs in my entertainment center. Some of that stuff I hadn’t seen with you and I’ll assume you were planning on showing it to me.
So, I put the CDs in and jerked off on the couch, watching these guys fuck and suck each other’s brains out. But something weird happened. I couldn’t come until I watched the heavier stuff, like those role-play scenes. The rough sex, the bondage and the pseudo-virgin-rape shit was what did it. I’m surprised. We thought of doing that once, but never got round to it. Guess that’s why you bought those, wasn’t it? Sort of a prelude? Didn’t think I’d like watching it, but it was the only way I could come.
Maybe I like this harder stuff now because it feeds off the anger I have about missing you.
I don’t know.
Maybe I’m losing my mind.
Tried it again, viewing those CDs, just to see if it was a one-off sort of deal. I guess it was as I didn’t get off. Until I thought that you were watching me.
I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone. I totally flipped over a song today. A song! Not even one I particularly liked but the words just hit me and that was that. I heard it on the radio in the commissary and I just… froze. I’m standing there, holding my tray, waiting for Teal’c to load up his, and for once, the bastards in the commissary were playing it loud enough for me to hear the lyrics.
It was like reaching in and grabbing my heart and pulling it straight through my chest. I had to get out of there, so I went and holed up in my office and buried myself in paperwork and didn’t eat till I got home. I feel like such a freak, exposed and vulnerable. The song, by the way, was Madonna’s “Live to Tell.” I can’t believe I knew the name or the singer.
I never thought of us as having a song. I did with Sara, but that seems more like a guy-girl thing to do. With you and me, it never seemed to fit. Well, okay, there was that one song by the Beatles, but that was New Year’s of 2000 and we were drunk. And it was your fault, too, humming that stupid Yesterday song, then singing it in my ear and making me laugh. I think I remember that mostly because you had your dick up my ass at the time. It was funny then. Not so funny now. Maybe it will be again.
It hurts. It fucking hurts. Not you being gone. I can understand that sort of. It hurts that I wasted so much time in the last six months, taking you for granted. I’d grown cynical, complacent, and one big pain in the ass.
Screw it. It damn well *does* hurt because you’re gone. And because there’s not a goddamn fucking thing I can do about it.
Are you out there doing glowy stuff? Maybe it’s important, I don’t know. It had better be to have given up this bad high risk job. On a selfish note, I hope it’s important enough to have left me for.
I’m using one of your blank journals. I wanted to use the one with the leather binder but for some stupid reason you chose to use that as your mission journal and now the damn thing’s at the base and used as some sort of reference book. You’re now officially a science tool. That’s funny. Even ascended, you’re still a geek. Nerd. Whatever.
Went out on a mission to save the Asgard’s butts. Why is it that we’re always doing that but getting nothing in return? Nevermind. Thor’s in pretty bad shape. I feel bad. He’s the only alien I know who actually gets me. I think he does. He blinks like he does. Poor guy’s not doing so good.
Met a new one. Heimdall. A scientist. Had a feminine voice but I still think of him as a ‘him’. He was very animated, talked fast, blinked a lot. For some reason, he reminded me of a cross between you and Fraiser. I have no idea why. So, we helped them save Thor and some sleeping corpse that’s one of their ancient ancestors. Sounds weird, I know. Maybe because it is weird.
Heimdall asked after you. I just let him think you weren’t with us. We ran into Osiris. Or rather, Carter did. Told Osiris you were dead before Heimdall beamed her away with one of those Asgard Beam-Me-Up-Scotty transporters.
So, we got back and everything’s hunky dory.
And um, I know you were there, Daniel. In the corridor, at the base. Why? If you’re going to hang around, Daniel, say hi. Or better yet, stop dickin’ around and come home.
Nine. Fucking nine.
Nine goddamn geeks from your department and all of them have balls of clay. Even Dr. Summers, that woman, though she had more balls then the eight men. What the fuck is it about our job that is so hard? C’mon, it’s simple stuff, Daniel. I remember you demanding to choose who gets to play in your sand box. Hammond took your recommendations. Were these the idiots you chose? I can’t believe they were. Wish I’d been paying attention.
But this last one, Daniel? He was a fucking dumbass. Some anthro-linguist or whatever he was. Bastard got me stabbed in the knee. Had surgery. We’re on downtime until my knee heals. And guess what? Hammond is pressuring me to find a fourth before we go back on active duty.
I asked, where is it written that a team needs four people? His answer? Nowhere. But YOU are the reason that we need a fourth, he says. You provided invaluable insight–your thinking-outside-the-box insight. How’s that replaceable? No one thinks like you. No one. I don’t want anyone taking your spot. You’re not replaceable.
Jonas Quinn wants to be our fourth. I’m not talking to him, avoiding him if I can. Not exactly a news flash. I know you guys got along, but did you like him? Would you trust him? Right now, Daniel, I don’t.
He’s a nice guy and he’s trying hard to prove himself. I get that, but I can’t bring myself to accept him. What’s weird is that for Carter was the same way till he convinced her otherwise. Persistent bugger, I’ll give him that. He’s got Teal’c on his side, though, because he’s a fellow alien, so Teal’c’s been bugging me to accept him.
But like I said, and like I told Teal’c, I don’t trust him watching my back. The guy may have stolen some of that naquadria crap for us, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he participated in a lie about you. What pisses me off is that he was there, in the lab, with you. Why the fuck didn’t he go through that window?
Well, let’s see. Bunch of shit happened, and you probably know all about it. But in case you don’t, the bad news first:
Jonas joined SG-1, the Russians have their own team, the alpha gate was blown to shit along with my knee(have you ever experienced G-forces on a banged up knee? I don’t recommend it). The Russians gave us *our* gate back–yeah, yeah, but we found it first and they stole it just ’cause we dropped it in the ocean like a forgotten quarter. And now we’re leasing it so we can have a gate.
We’re on Anubis’ shit list now, even more than before because we blew up one of his Ancients’ toys–or rather Rya’c did that.
Teal’c lost Drey’ac. Her snake came due and she wouldn’t take the life of another Jaffa to live. Bra’tac is looking after Rya’c full time now. Guess that fits. I feel for Teal’c. I know what she meant to him. So, he was offworld when the gate shit happened.
McKay was here, pissing off Carter. I tried not to find that funny to watch but I couldn’t help it. At least I hid out of sight whenever I caught the two of them snarking at each other. He *really* has a thing for her, but if he doesn’t watch it, she’s gonna pull out whatever favors she has stashed and get him assigned to one of the research facilities offworld.
Sorry, there isn’t any. Other than I bought a new porn video that bored me to tears. You would’ve laughed your ass off.
Jonas is turning out better than I thought he would but he still bugs the shit out of me. More than you ever did. And I *liked* you. Okay. I *loved* you. I don’t know if I like him yet. Don’t know if I ever will. It’s too soon. Doesn’t really matter anyway because I’m stuck with him and he’s part of SG-1 now. I’m still not entirely sure that this whole thing isn’t all a very bad dream.
We found Thor. Anubis had his mind downloaded in the ship, lodged in some storage crystals. How weird is that? We went aboard this abandoned pyramid ship which was sabotaged by ninjas (don’t ask) and we then crashed into our favorite spot in the Pacific ocean.
Nary a tidal wave, too. That’s pretty cool but it makes no sense. Jake said it was due to the ship’s shielding that kept that from happening but I don’t get it. Water displacement has got to go *somewhere* you know?
Or… we you and Oma up to some meddling? Frankly, I’ll hope for the weird mother nature intervention and not you, because Daniel? Don’t you have better things to do? Like *coming home*?
Jonas was my reel in the glider(that means he rode shotgun behind me). I knew the bastard was smiling, and *after* I thanked him for helping get me, Carter, and Teal’c out of the ship, I wiped the smile off his face by executing several barrel rolls. He got over the first one too quickly you see, so I had to do a few more. I think it was twelve. Or maybe thirteen. I lost count after ten, actually. He stayed green for three hours, so that was fun.
Don’t say it, Daniel. You would’ve been just as green.
I miss you.
I love you. I wish you were here. I want to…
Shit. Have to go to Antarctica for some body they found in the ice. Why do I have to go? Do I look like a fucking rock boy? Okay, maybe I was *fucking* my rock boy but… never mind. More later.
It’s been three months since I last wrote in this thing.
The worst of the withdrawal is over. My god, Daniel. I now know what you went through. I can’t believe… Jesus. I feel like such an asshole for treating your withdrawal like any Earth addiction. But there’s no comparison. None. Why couldn’t I see that? Fraiser said it was like going through a complete body withdrawal and that’s what it’s like coming off opium, but Jesus. This was way worse. I’ve *never* had so much pain, so many mood changes.
I remember you begging me to get you to a sarc. You’d practically fondled me in front of Janet; didn’t even know she was there, you were so out of it. I think she was afraid I’d try the same thing because she’s put me in exactly the same place she had you later on. That VIP treatment room.
Fraiser says I’m better. Considering that I’m writing this, I’ll agree with her. Just a little over a week left of monitoring, then I get to go home for a while. Trust me, Daniel, I need it.
Until you showed up in the infirmary, I thought I’d hallucinated you in Baal’s cell, that the sarcophagus messed with my head and let me think that I was seeing you.
Even though it’s been three weeks, I can still see you clearly in my head. It’s funny. I kept wondering why you chose to wear those clothes. Kept wondering if that was just my view of you or if you chose to wear them. Weird. Next time, wear the robes. Don’t tease me with that sweater, it’s annoying.
After my escape from the stronghold, the Tok’ra found me and brought me home. Somewhere along the line I passed out, and I don’t remember where. Then I woke up to seeing Carter, Teal’c, and Jonas hovering at the foot of my bed, yakking like they had nothing better to do. Guess that meant I was gonna be fine. But I hadn’t gone through the withdrawal yet.
Then I saw you. Standing there. You looked like you wanted to cry, Daniel. Probably that was just me being out of it. I do remember you asking me to trust you. I remember telling you that I could do that.
Then you left me again.
And I’m mad. You left me, wouldn’t rescue me. I don’t get it, Daniel, despite what you told me. Beings that powerful should be helping others. Apparently, they don’t give a shit. I know you do or you wouldn’t have been there, which somehow makes it fucking worse.
I wish I wasn’t mad at you, but I am. If you’re out there watching over me, why the fuck don’t you just come home? That and that lack-of-rescue thing is pissing me off. I’m trying to understand. I really am. But right now, I can’t.
It’s two weeks later. I’m not pissed off at you anymore. I still don’t get it, why the Ancients won’t let you help, but I at least get that you couldn’t help. Operative word being *couldn’t* not *wouldn’t*.
And now I feel guilty for being mad at you, for taking it out on everyone around me. I know it’s the mood swings. I’m fairly certain that all the nurses and corpsmen are afraid of me now. I think I’ve threatened each of them at least three times.
Fraiser wouldn’t let me go home. I relapsed, no one knows why.
Carter comes in to see me almost every day. Jonas, he shows up with Carter sometimes or he doesn’t show up at all. I don’t remember threatening him or saying anything nasty, but I must have. Even though I’m getting used to him, and even though I’m still not sure I trust him, I already know that he’s not the sort of guy who backs down easily. Sort of admirable and most of me wishes he wasn’t. Teal’c shows up every day, bringing me Carter’s chess game he stole from her office. Much as I enjoy his company, I want yours.
It’s 3:41 a.m. Been home for two days. *Finally*
At least I’m having nightmares without an audience. Fraiser was going to send me to see the quack but I talked her out of it. I told her that they’re normal and in time, they’ll fade. It’s true. The ones from Iraq faded after a while, and the ones about Charlie went, too.
Except I was hedging. They’ve all come back, including ones about you. I keep seeing you die, over and over.
I’m also remembering shit that never belonged to me, like remembering that woman that that snake took to bed. Jacob told me that if it weren’t for Baal’s torture, I might not have remembered squat. It’s fading now, day by day, but it was totally pissing me off because they weren’t my memories.
Jake says I’m having what Selmac calls memory reflections, or pieces of ‘recent’ history, including what happened after the blending, after Kanan (the two-faced snake) escaped the Tok’ra compound.
I’m really glad that the snake never shared with me. I’m alive and I don’t have to go through the same shit Carter did. Jake says it would’ve been better if I’d experienced blending but I think this is one area I’ll gladly remain ignorant of.
I’ll tell you one thing though. I’ll be happy if I don’t have to see the Tok’ra for a very long time, if ever again. That includes Jake. I think he understands, and knows that at this moment in time, I’m probably capable of killing any or all of them. And I am, Daniel. More than capable.
You know, I only agreed to this Tok’ra bullshit because Carter asked me to help Jake retrieve some important mission data from Kanan. I’m more than a little pissed off at her about that and I have to stomp on that when I get back to work. Work it out of my system somehow.
And before I forget:
I *know* you helped Sam, Teal’c, and Jonas figure out a way to get to me. So you did do something.
You warned me about that rat bastard Baal after that summit mission. Said that if we ever came across him again, we should run the other way. Well, you were right. If I ever get the chance, Daniel, I’m killing that bastard with my bare hands. I knew snakes were twisted but that one’s got most beat by a mile. Not even Anubis is that scary, and that was the first time that I’ve ever actually been scared of a snake.
I don’t understand why you can’t come back. Won’t come back. But I have to trust you.
Like you asked me to.